Is Your Child’s Classroom Meeting Their Psychological Needs? A Parent’s Guide to Fostering Relatedness, Competence, and Autonomy at School
As parents, we often ask our children about their homework, test scores, and school lunches — but how often do we check in on their psychological well-being in the classroom?
According to self-determination theory in psychology, children thrive when three core psychological needs are met:
🔵 Relatedness (feeling connected to others)
🟢 Competence (feeling capable and effective)
🟠 Autonomy (feeling a sense of choice and ownership)
When these needs are supported in school, students are more motivated, confident, and emotionally healthy. But when they're ignored, children may disengage, act out, or internalize stress. Here’s how you, as a parent, can ask the right questions to gain insight into your child’s classroom experience — and advocate for their psychological well-being.
🧩 1. Relatedness: Is Your Child Feeling Connected?
Why it matters: Children need to feel that they belong — to their peers, to their teacher, and to the school community. A sense of relatedness fuels emotional safety and social growth.
Questions to ask your child:
“Do you feel like your teacher understands and cares about you?”
“Who do you feel closest to in class?”
“What happens when someone in class feels left out — does the teacher step in?”
Signs of strong relatedness in the classroom:
The teacher fosters a respectful and inclusive environment.
Group work and peer collaboration are encouraged.
Emotional safety is prioritised — children are not shamed or isolated.
🎯 2. Competence: Is Your Child Feeling Capable?
Why it matters: Children build confidence when they feel effective in what they do. Competence isn't just about getting the right answers — it's about being challenged at the right level and receiving support to grow.
Questions to ask your child:
“Do you feel like your schoolwork is too easy, too hard, or just right?”
“What happens when you don’t understand something — does the teacher help in a way that makes sense?”
“Can you think of something new you’ve learned this week that made you feel proud?”
Signs of strong competence support:
Feedback is constructive, not discouraging.
Mistakes are treated as learning opportunities.
Teachers offer differentiated support for different learning needs.
🧠 3. Autonomy: Is Your Child Feeling Heard and Empowered?
Why it matters: Children are more motivated when they feel they have some control over their learning. Autonomy doesn’t mean chaos — it means meaningful choices and respectful boundaries.
Questions to ask your child:
“Do you get to make any choices about your work or how you learn it?”
“Does your teacher listen to your opinions or ideas?”
“Do you feel like your voice matters in class?”
Signs of autonomy-supportive teaching:
Children are allowed to express opinions and explore interests.
Rules are explained with reasons, not just enforced rigidly.
Creativity and individuality are encouraged.
🔍 What Can Parents Do?
Start meaningful conversations
Go beyond “How was your day?” and ask open-ended, emotionally intelligent questions. Listen carefully to your child’s feelings, not just their facts.
Connect with teachers
Schedule time during parent-teacher conferences to ask how your child’s psychological needs are being supported — not just academic performance.
Observe patterns
Is your child more anxious, withdrawn, or frustrated during the school year? These could be signs their needs are unmet in the classroom.
Advocate respectfully
If something doesn’t feel right, approach the teacher or school staff with curiosity and collaboration. Most educators want to support your child and may appreciate your insight.
Academics are important, but so is how your child feels about learning. A classroom that supports relatedness, competence, and autonomy is one where children don’t just survive — they thrive.
As a parent we want to be a partner in our child’s holistic development. By asking intentional questions and tuning into their classroom experience, we can help create a bridge between home and school that nurtures lifelong curiosity, confidence, and connection.